Your attachment style impacts your relationship. Find out what is your attachment style.
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“The clock struck three, the darkness of the night is meant to provide comfort, bring tranquility and to calm the disturbed soul. But I am unnerved, tossing on the bed with an urge to check if he texted me back.
The last time I glanced at the clock, it was two-thirty and I still could not close my eyes.
I want to resist the temptation to peep into the phone. I tightly, closed my eyes and convinced myself that he must be occupied, left his phone, or busy to reply me back.
‘How he could be busy in the middle of the night?’ part of me argued. ‘He must be sleeping’, no need to panic, close your eyes and sleep tomorrow you have a work day ahead, my rational mind reasoned.
I am restless, with heavy and screeching eyes, begging to sleep while my mind wide awake, giving all horrific reasons and not allowing me to calm down.
There must be something wrong, ‘why isn’t he replying? Is he with another girl?
Is he upset with me? Is he bored of me?
Or he met with an accident?’
With all these anxious thoughts pacing, how could I sleep? My rational mind again reasoned, ‘this is the second in the week and quiet, repetitive in the past’ that you stay up in the night worrying about unknown.
‘Do you remember what Jay did?’
I know, I squealed. My previous boyfriend Jay dumped me stating that he is tired of my possessive behaviour. It suffocates him.
I don’t want to repeat the past. Why I kept expecting Kay, my current boyfriend, to reply me on odd hours.
I know sometimes I behave irrationally, but I have no control.
In spite of Kay telling me that he loves me. And he is caring, unlike Jay, still, I feel scared that after sometime, he will be bored and then leave me for someone else.
I have no reason to be insecure: I am qualified, well-settled and attractive.
Still, fear lingers in my head, leading to unwanted fights. How much I try to avoid, I end up questioning him. The looming possibility of rejection dawdles in my mind all the time.”
She is Nia, facing relationship challenges. Insecurities are common in love and relationships.
Most of the relationship goes through ups and downs, but the one survives have positive undertone beneath, where both the partners have secured feeling and they are ready to resolve the issues through communication, understanding and conflict resolution.
Sometimes you want to resolve the situation, but you do not know how?
Like in this situation, Nia feels the control lies with people she is dating, and unconsciously fears that the relationship might end without a reason.
Unable to identify that the problem lies in her attitude and insecurities. Unless she fixes it, she will keep repeating the same mistakes.
Research showed that people have different attachment styles[1], these are the four attachment style:
Attachment styles:
· Secure Attachment: Happy in Love
· Preoccupied Attachment: Desperate for Love
· Dismissing Attachment: No Need for Love
· Fearful Attachment: Conflicted in Love
Nia’s underlying problem is the attachment style, which is Preoccupied Attachment - Desperate for Love.
She is seeking love and desperate to find one. She wants a partner who could make her believe that she is worthy of love, because she is unable to it do it herself.
Her belief is stuck in the wrong place. Her attachment style reflects a preoccupation with her own belief system about her unworthiness. When she moves into a relationship, her insecurities creep in, creating doubt in her mind and making her anxious. All these impacting her relationships and life. The belief she carries also acts as a self-prophecy.
People go through anxieties in relationships, if you could relate to Nia, then the problem may lie in your attachment style, desperation for love.
Anxiety prompts you to make quick, and often inaccurate emotional judgments of others as a result, you might misunderstand your partner’s emotions, struggles, and behaviours.
How to know you have preoccupied Attachment style?
With a preoccupied-attachment- style, people have self-doubt and they need constant assurance that they are worthy of love, which creates problems.
Like Nia wants her partner to protect her, make her feel lovable, assure that she is worthy of love and attention.
She needs a constant reminder and assurance while it could be tiring for the partner on a regular basis.
If you fall in the category, then you need to fix this to have a stable relationship.
Ask these questions to find out your attachment style:
· How do you react when your partner doesn’t immediately respond to your texts or return calls?
· Does it bother you? Do you feel insecure and fear that your partner might be losing interest in you?
· A small argument set you on fire, fearing rejection?
· You are often crumbled under self-doubt, a self-worth?
· Do you often feel caught up in distress in spite of intoxicated love you started with?
· Your partners complain of your being unrealistically jealous and possessive
· Do you encounter relationships which are often unstable and easily disrupted by problems?
· Do you feel your partners as unloving, non – available, untrustworthy, and possibly unfaithful?
Usual relationship goes through different phases, and people with different styles sail differently.
What is your attachment style? Leave your view in the comments below, and don’t forget to like, subscribe and share.
[1]Model based on Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991), Griffin and Bartholomew (1994), Mikulincer and Shaver (2007), and Levine and Heller (2010).
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